One of my first Tinder matches asked me, “What are you looking for here?”
I thought it was a strange question. A relationship, obviously. What else would you look for on a dating app?
It took me years to realise I hadn’t answered her. I’d just repeated the answer I thought an adult was supposed to give. I wanted a relationship. I’d barely considered what I wanted to do inside one or what kind of life I was prepared to share.
Before your next swipe, ask yourself: why am I dating?
Don’t immediately answer, “I want to find love.” It sounds good, but it lets you dodge the question. Do you want someone in your life when you’re no longer flirting but deciding whose family to visit at Christmas? When they need to talk about their workday just as you want silence? When the dishwasher is full again, sex is scarce and you’re supposed to go to IKEA on a Sunday morning?
Sound like a bad relationship? To me, it sounds like a relationship. Even a good one comes with another person’s everyday needs, and they don’t wait until your schedule allows it. A Disney prince or princess has to empty the dishwasher sometimes too. Probably in a bad mood.
I played through Tinder and found a partner. We now have a small child. I got what I set out to find and only then learned how much ordinary life fits inside that goal. A child doesn’t exactly make it lighter.
This isn’t a call to give up on relationships. It’s a call to stop using one as an automatic answer. If you want sex without sharing everyday life, admit it to yourself and the other person. If you want to date slowly and meet people without a promise of a future, that’s an answer too. If you’d rather be alone than fit your life around another person, you don’t have to fix yourself by dating.
I didn’t understand that when I was asked what I wanted. I thought I knew because I knew which answer sounded right.
Don’t make the same mistake. Decide what you want before you start using other people to find out.